And so to Spring

Buddlings blossom on foggy cold mornings. The sun decides to raise the clock early. If you’re lucky you may see the birds wake, but they always seemed to be busy before I’m awake.

D March 2019

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Unarmed and Unarmoured

I’ve had a chance to think why social media was getting to me so much and it’s made look inwards at my own weakness against thoughts and beliefs. On the olazapine I take it states to be taken for ‘mistaken beliefs’. That always struck me as odd until recently.

I have no filter when it comes to thoughts, they come straight at me and hit my core. I’m not made of titanium after all. Things get mixed up, in crowds there’s lurkers talking about me, Alone I have a complex corruption of beliefs praying as voices. It’s hell, there is no peace. The only way out I’ve found is drowning it out with ear defenders, music or masking tapes (having low frequency tinnitus doesn’t help much either). This provides some respite but is difficult to maintain a ‘normal’ lifestyle. As I never know what will trigger me next. It could be a feeling from 25 years ago or a news article in today’s paper.

So yeah if anyone wants to take my BAD (bipolar affective disorder) and meager state benefits I get for it, in exchange for the peace of a still mind and a level playing field of a chance to hold a job down I’m up for it.

And yes I’ve tried CBT, zen meditation, traditional counselling and the raft of talking therapies. The only thing that holds me together is the love of my family and the fist full of pills I take through out the day.

Though it’s not all hopeless, there are a few weeks, maybe sometimes months where the waves are relatively calm and I function almost like normal person.

I just have keep in mind though that some ‘friends’ and ‘tourists’ are just here for the freak show and that is exactly the reason to stay well away from social media. I may be ‘mad’, but you can keep sniggering to yourself as I trip over the latest ‘mistaken belief’.

Peace

D

The End for me and Anti Social Media

So that’s my Facebook account deactivated for probably the last time. I say probably, as a Gemini bipolar I can change like the wind but I’m fed up with an overt politics agenda on my feed. If I want opinions on politics I’ll buy a paper suited to my narrow view. Apparently I’m a yellow Tory benefits scrounging left winger, according to the Facebook opinion on me, so I’m sure there’s a paper for me somewhere.

As for the ‘triggering’ ads and other illuminate my life please posts I’m just done with it.

Messenger is handy for distance friends but for now I’m out of the Facebook arena.

Guess this makes WordPress the last chance saloon of civil discussion.

Take care

D

No Place of Safety

Morpheus said it first, it’s all around but you don’t see it. They took away the safety net by cunning subtraction bits.

So where do we go when the storm comes, the lunatics have taken the ayslum, we may get our 15 minutes of fun, but at what end and who’s gun, will bring an end to the fun.

I’m sorry to say my friends, they caught us all and hard dated our existence. I nearly got through with persistence, how long do we hold on to the resistance?

This is Sierra Alpha Foxtrot for a copy, I’m sorry I let it get sloppy. Enclosed mind strings and faint ear ring. I have no idea where I go or where I have been.

Good luck, take care, beware the bear.

D March 2019

Weathered I Love You So

I know once I was your knight in shining armour and now I lay with battle scars and rusted.

I know once you believed with your whole soul I could be trusted. Maybe my mislaid words have left that busted.

I know once I never wanted to hurt you, now I realise with the hell they put me through, lashing out at you was all I could do.

I know it may not mean much now, but as weathered as time has made it I still love you. My sword unbroken I would still fall on, if meant that your smile, in this world, would shine on.

D March 2019

From the creator of the web himself….

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-47524474

⁣I often bat hard about how the web and the internet is falling into a dystopian hell. It seems the man who made the very first web page agrees somewhat.

Yet apparently I’m the mad one, lol.

Peace D

(Edit: Yes I am aware that the ‘web’ is only part of the overall internet and I could tell you the port web pages function on and how to build a web server, but I trust that my readers would not be so pedantic as to pick holes in a generalized statement. All I’m saying really is the ‘web’ is not the happy place it used to be, for me at least. Hence my near total lack of interest in ‘social’ media. I have 23 ‘friends’ on Facebook and that’s it and have little interest in increasing that. I’m quite happy in my WordPress bubble. Wow the edit is longer than the post 🙂 …)

Devil’s walking

I can feel a devil walking next to me, somehow he got out from inside and broke free.

You can blame me, yes it’s my fault, but guns don’t solve this kind of assault.

Where will he go, what will he do with his intrusive thoughts, lost now on a wave of one’s and noughts.

Peace in my time will be a distance memory, as their all be playing their games of blamery. The ultimate solution will just result in devolution, actions mean nothing to a paranoid idea let loose. Is this true or is this false… I feel a devil walking next to me….

D March 2019

Why?

Why are we the ones in one hundreds?

Why is our reality render asunder, split in halves or blended sunless.

Why you, why me? Don’t we have better places to be?

I could be a sunbeam and light up the world, but someone stole my sun and said he was my master and I had none.

I could be the tree of life itself, but trees get old, cut down and turned into shelf’s.

So here we are back where I started one in one hundred till one day departed.

D March 2019

Noise Off

Where ever I go I hear sound, and not one iota of silence can be found.

Even the rhythm of my blood irks me, but I guess it probably means I’m alive and should be thankful, but I have shined a light on to many horrors that I cannot un-see, and a meaning to all this is becoming more doubtful.

D February 2019