Between you and me….

It is not worth remembering, the way you moved the walls, bent the halls, stood so tall… Over me.

I know you can lash out at any time and make me know pain, from insane to sane and back again. Your credentials hold but I do not wain.

I’m heading straight to fortress, the trees make my buttress, you can scorch the land, turn my body to sand…

… But you don’t see my old man watching me from up there, bringing me peace and making it fair.

Keep your faith rooms, while I’ll just keep the faith.

D November 2018

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Walk

I have to walk the talk, but when I get there my lips remain shut.

Who am I to shatter the ambivalent nature of my rut.

In densely packed woods I can let out a quiet sigh, just maybe this once I have outrun the spies.

The mud here is perfect for a shallow grave, if they come, but just watching the flailing of my mind is good enough for some.

I put my head against the tree, old oak, older than me. This how I know you don’t need eyes to see.

And in the distance the bark of a dog … I have to walk the talk … Just to lose myself and drive myself out of town with a pitch fork.

D November 2018

Small Wins

So I went swimming today and managed a few lengths, despite my AS killing me in the shoulder and spine and the fact there were other people in the pool. It’s not that I don’t like people it’s just there random and unpredictable. I love good company but go into meltdown whenever I’m near to many. Ironically I used to be a party person surrounded by dancing nutters to loud drum and bass.

How things change.

Anyway if I make it again to the pool I might actually qualify as someone who swims! My god a hobby that isn’t based on technology.

Oh and the pool shower has turned my hair into a cloud again, maybe I should also practice at man who gets his haircut.

Peace

D

Microlapse

When you start thinking you’re relapsing because of a physical illness pulling you down and your not quite sure how to get up again.

“I’m not sick but I’m not well” to quote Harvey Danger

Peace

D

Will the real D please stand up

OK I’ve realised I can no longer go round posting pictures of myself online from a decade ago so here’s a warts n all selfie.

Yes finally hairs starting to gray and looks like a cloud has settled on my head (will have to brave the torture of the barber soon; “so where did you go for holiday sir?”, “the mental hospital!”). All the midnight munching has led to a slowly growing second chin but hey at least my bhudda belly is out of shot.

There’s a vague smile, well that’s me being ‘stable’ allegedly. And yes I’m wearing my comfy fleece because yeah you know I really care about fashion.

I may have a lot of problems in my life, especially health wise but I will always bet optimistically truthful about what I am.

So this is real…

D

Heavy Armour

Side by side we were bullet proof, then the bomb went off and blew the roof.

My armour shattered and I was in the world alone, bare feet on concrete, well outside the green zone.

Waiting for the cracking of my bones, because look what’s it’s come to, hand on phone…

…world war three in my head, as I hear the dial tone… But I know you’re already gone, nothing more than a memory of love and song.

D October 2018

Sometimes Being Home Is The Best Wander.

I got what I thought was an odd Christmas present from my mum in middle of my winter crisis, the thermal flask above. At the time the last thing I wanted to do was explore but now I kinda get the message, I don’t think it’s was meant in a literally go forth and wander sense. More like, your bipolar,it sucks, explore ways to cope with it and keep yourself out of hospital. I carry it everywhere now and the the most wonderful thing about this flask is my daughter thinks water from it is the best ever (even though it’s just from the tap). You know I think she’s right. Thanks mum.

Peace D

Home

Won’t you take me home, sick of being alone.

I don’t live in this dry wall block, I’m not just average stock.

… But then I’m nothing special and I deserve more than this, with my head resting on your fist.

My home has clouds and mountains, not badly maintained monument fountains.

Sick people coughing their lungs on the clock tower steps, pigeons, dust and litter unswept.

Take me home, maybe I should be alone.

Bracing the wind on the cliffs, my life in my hands and not yours.

D September 2018